Both of these stories have to do with the fact that I apparently look a lot like Russia from the series Hetalia. I love Hetalia and it still remains one of my favourite series, however my apparent “similarity” to the character has given me a quite a bit of bullshit.
(I would seriously like to know how the fuck I look like Russia. Big nose =/= Russia)
Story 1: During the summer, my family and I went to a small mostly water-based amusement park in PA. Herpderp, we get there and almost immediately I’m bombarded by two weeaboos. One was a hambeast and another I swore was Pippi Longstocking in disguise/incognito cosplay. They cling onto to me and demand that I join them and all their weeaboo glory, calling me ‘Russia-sama’ and ‘Chibi Rossiya-san” (I was taller than both of them - what?). So yeah. So they’re trying to pet my hair and biting at my nose which they had to keep mentioning.
I have a polish nose. It’s polish. Not Russian. Polish. They kept mentioning how it was such a perfect Russian nose when it’s fucking Polish. And my hair. They kept calling me Russia because my hair looks like Russia’s. They kept fucking trying to put their hands all over me, and hell it was creepy! I was alone too. My family had split off to go do something I can’t remember (probably was to get food), so I had to literally pry them off by myself. I kicked the big one in the skins and pushed the ragdoll off before hauling ass out of there.
All right, now fast forward an hour and my family and I have split off again and up into the waterpark.
We meet again in the Lazy River. I’m just enjoying myself in the slow, nice water. Then I fucking hear “RUSSIA-SAMA” and I jump and literally fall off my damn tube, and nearly drown a little girl. I look behind me and they’re pushing over kids and adults alike trying to get to me. I pretty much just take my tube and start haulingmore ass through the water. They lose me around one of the bends when I get off in the kiddy section. I ended up hanging out with some pretty cool little kids because they kept circling the lazy river and would have spotted me if I left.
After about a half hour, I make my escape and I head up to the Freefall and Speed slides. They’re basically these tall, steep slides full of water. One’s straight down and another has a hump that will literally inject water into your nose if you’re not careful. Also, wedgies are imminent on both slides. Since the park is right on the coast of Lake Erie and across from Canada, the slides are nicknamed America [straight] and Canada [hump] respectively.
So yeah, I see these hambeasts just as I’m starting to get in line. I can’t escape without running into other people and them, so I’m fucked for then and I’m not going to let them ruin my fun any more. They attempt to cut in front of me, but then realise that they’re not going to get past the old man behind me. So instead, they just talk really loud and try to talk to me into racing one of them down the twin body slides that are sooooooo slow if you don’t butter yourself up first. Literally, you’ve got to coat yourself up in sunscreen lotion and that’s the only way you’ll really get some action on those slides. Anyway, I tell them that I’m going down the freefall slide and they just get dead quiet and start giggling.
“So you’re going to ride America?”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh come on Russia. You’re gonna ride America?” And then Hambeastpelvicthrusted at me. “She should ride Canada!”
“No, America!”
“CANADA.”
“SHUT UP. SHE’S GONNA RUB HERSELF ALL OVER AMERICA. SHE’S MOTHERF*CKING RUSSIA FOR VIC MIG[somethingsomethingsomething]’S SAKE.”
I was so bloody embassared. Needless to say I told them to stfu because they were embarasing themselves and me. . there were children around who were looking at us. I did go down the America slide and they were catcalling behind me. Come on, I love Hetalia as much as the next idiot, but goddamnit all don’t make sexual innuendos in front of small children! OR imply that every person with blond hair and big nose is russian. What the hell guys.
Learn your manners.
Story Two: Now this one JUST happened. I’m just chillin’ at walmart over in the phone section. My grandmother went off to go find my brothers and their stupid toys while I looked over what phone I wanted. Of course, I’m alone and I’m just listening to Globus. One of their songs Europa comes on and I’m just annoyingly humming away while I decide what new phone I’ll be getting for my birthday.
And then…my peace is interupted. Someone approaches me from behind and I think it’s my brother since I can smell the B.O (my brother’s at that sad age where laziness tops over personal hygiene) and I go to stand to talk to him because he obviously came to tell us we were ready to check out and insult me about my choice in phones.
Turns out it’s not my brother.
Instead, it’s this girl. Her hair was greasy, knotted and bleached blonde. Rat nests were unforunately visible. She was wearing a stupidly tight tanktop/camisole of some sort that literally made her look totally unappealing and a crapton of horrible makeup that it seemed she literally smeared all over her face. I’ve been an avid reader of this blog and the original one so I already knew I was in immediate trouble. I was totally ready to haul my fat ass out of there because I probably really did need to go and I especially was not in the mood for a conversation with someone that looked ready to devour me. And by devour me, I mean sexually. She looked like she wanted to bone me where I stood.
Anyway, as I get ready to leave, she grabs my hand and asks me excitely what song I was humming.
Awkwardly, I tell it was Europa by Globus. When I said ‘Globus’, she threw my hand down and swore in japanese. Then in a horrible, noisy voice, she tells me “Ohmykami!!!1 I facking hate them!!111!! They stole Europa for themselves from Hetalia and took all the credit! They are such losers and their music sucks!11!!”
Now, Globus isn’t a band. It’s a sideprobject of Immediate Music that’s a whole set of different singers, songwriters, orchastras and whatnot put together to create some really badass music. Europa is one of their songs, a song set about the different events of history, and something commonly used in Hetalia PV/AMV/MV’s.
So yeah, I ask her what she means because hey, I wanna know why this stranger thinks that Globus ripped off a song from Hetalia. I know what Hetalia is of course as I somewhat actively participate in the fandom, and I want to know how the hellshe came to the conclusion that Globus stole Europa from Hetalia.
“Well, duh! Hetalia’s about history you know and the song describes all the events the countries went through! It’s used in Hetalia, you know! I know because I watched the video where all the hetalia characters sing it! It was so good too! Then those assholes went and copied them and claimed they wrote the song! Oh my kami, isn’t that such a stupid thing to do?! The nations worked so hard on that song and that band goes around and ruins it!”
“Wot.”
Right then, I’m just trying to understand what’s going on. I have no idea what’s going on. This girl is claiming that the nations wrote the song and that Globus stole it, and expecting me to agree with her. At this point, I’m ready to throw my hands up in the air and just leave. But no of course, she has to go on.
“Well, the nations are real, didn’t you know that? God, you’re so ignorant!”
“I know what Hetalia is, mate. I’m pretty sure they’re not real.”
“Oh my kami!!! You know what Hetalia is!? I knew that I sensed something about you! I knew you looked like Russia for a reason! Man, that’s so cool! Who’s your favourite character! Is it Russia? It’s totally Russia!”
I of course don’t answer her. Russia is in fact one of my favourites, but there isn’t a solid favourite in that series. It’s like picking what ear I favour more when it comes down to favourites, but I digress. Anyway, she goes on and tries to guess my favourite character, before giving up and suggesting that we should exchange numbers.
When I say no, she bitches and tells me that I could be the Russia to her America. She then goes on about how she is so like America and that she loves hamburgers, is scared of ghosts, believes that America is the greatest (though nothing compared to Japan of course), can eat anything, is mostly muscle, and if they ever met they would be best friends and play video games while trying to “rape that tsundere Iggy”.
I fucking leave at this point but she just follows me and continues on about Hetalia. She talks to me about cosplaying and how she’s pissed that she didn’t get to go to Setsucon, and then tells me she can get some cosplay tips from me but needs my number. I keep trekking on until she mentions how she “didn’t expect to meet a Russia cosplayer in Walmart”. I stop and turn.
She thought I was cosplaying.
She thought I was cosplaying.
Excuse me, what.
I am wearing a knee-length, thick purple coat and clunker winter boots that are muddy as Hell. I am not wearing gloves, or carrying sunflowers or pipes, and I am not wearing a wing or contacts, but she thinks I’m cosplaying.
“Well, aren’t you? You’re wearing a knee-length coat and boats and you’ve already got the hairstyle!! Aren’t you cosplaying?!”
Fuck, no. I am out in public with my grandmother and two brothers. We are shopping for the week ahead of us so we don’t have to make several trips. I am not cosplaying. Go away.
She then starts to talk about her favourite pairing, which is RusAmer. Unforunately, this is mine too, but I don’t dare tell her that much. I continue on walking around the store, hoping she’ll figure out that I don’t want anything to do with her. Unforunately, she does not and rants on about her favourite pairing. She mentions that she hasn’t had a good russia for a long time and the last one was too “dirty” for her. She wanted a virgin Russia that she could destroy and make her toy and she thought I would be perfect. I don’t know if she was talking about in roleplay or if she was serious. She then talks about all her fanfics and her favourite authors, especially just this one. I know that too. Her name is S———doll and she’s definitely quality.
The girl goes on and on about S———doll and about how great she is, but hates how she never gets a chance to talk to her and wishes that she didn’t have so many fans so she would have a better chance to get to know S———doll and “romance” her.
She gloats on how she once had a conversation with S———-doll and how she knew that S———doll actually did like her and that some day they would get the chance to know one another and they would end up going to Japan together to write some RusAmer and USUK “smexy” times.
Holy shit, at this point I am ready to kill myself. The girl will not stop. Really, she’s just going on and on about pretty much nothing right now and I am disturbed to the point of beyond all belief. My grandmother is just within my sights, and she’s still behind me.
Then, There is a fucking godsend.
It happens to be her mother. The woman rushes over from the candles section and latches on to her daughter. She begins to yell at the girl, and I almost feel sympathic because it’s pretty harsh, but then I realise I’m fuckin’ homefree and run over to my grandma. I rush them over to the checkone line, speed our way through that thankfully, and make our way finally home.
The only thing I can say about this is: Don’t judge people on their bloody appearances. Just because someone looks like a character does not mean they arecosplaying that character or even associate themselves with that character.
Story 1 – tl;dr Two weeaboos derp at an amusement park and imply that just because I look like Russia means that I am Russia
Story 2 – tl;dr A weeaboo stupidly things that something awesome ripped off a song from Hetalia and believes that I am obviously Russia and obviously cosplaying them in public and believes that a quality fanfiction writer is their soon-to-be waifu.