By senior year of high school, I was no stranger to weeaboos. When I decided to attend a con with a group of friends, I expected to run into at least a few weeaboos. I just didn’t expect to meet their Queen.
This is boring contextual information, but it’s important to the story. Our group at the convention consisted of me, my good friend Sam, my Japanese friend Reina, her boyfriend Jake, his friend Trent, and another friend Chase. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And also because I know that Sam has a tumblr and will probably kill me for sharing this. “Sam”, if you’re reading this I’m so sorry. But it had to be done.
There’s no point in beating around the bush on this one: Reina, Trent, and Chase were (and presumably still are) incredibly attractive people. I’m not just saying that because I knew them, they were legitimately and objectively hot. The first day of the con we’d dealt with a slew of oglers and a few creepers. But it wasn’t until the first night that we met the Queen.
We were milling around when we first saw her: pink tutu, fake cat ears, plastic glasses, fishnets, rainbow hair, a raccoon tail, and a Naruto headband tied around her neck. Pretty much the stereotypical picture of a weeaboo. The Queen quickly latched onto Chase. Chase seemed to be either flattered, too tired from the day’s events to object, or genuinely interested in her. They got to talking and I ignored them for a while while Sam and I had a conversation.
The Queen was…not the most subtle person. Her flirting techniques were mostly “laughing obnoxiously loud at everything” and “unintelligible high-pitched squeaking.”
It was at this point that the Queen noticed Reina, and shouted, “Are you Japanese?!” Reina embarrassingly replied that she was, which prompted the Queen to squeal loudly, jump up and down, and say, “O-M-G I speak Japanese!” And then she started shouting random phrases in Japanese at Reina. Reina seemed surprised, but she responded back to the Queen in Japanese. Reina later confessed to me that she couldn’t understand anything the Queen said, but that she just played along because she didn’t want to embarrass her.
The Queen switched back to English and she started spewing some really weird statements about how she’d never met a “real-life Japanese Otaku” before and started asking Reina a bunch of really uncomfortable and borderline racist questions about Japan. Basically just a bunch of weird anime cliche stuff, like if she had a sailor school uniform, if she ate bento for every meal, stuff like that.
This went on for what felt like a painfully long time, and I could tell that Reina was getting more and more upset. It was at this point that her boyfriend Jake wanted to go outside for a smoke break, and he took Reina with him to try and get her away from the Queen.
Deprived of Reina, the Queen went back to her “seduction” of Chase. She kept asking him if he wanted to be “the Sasuke to her Naruto” and calling him a “kawaii bishie”. She finally asked Chase his age, and when he told her that he was 19, her response was priceless: she leaned forward so her boobs were practically hanging out of her shirt and said, “Oh, I’m almost 18!”
That was when I had to go outside to keep from losing my shit and laughing like a maniac in front of her.